The new Pope

It is time for a return to tradition in the Catholic Church, and I see that the Chamberlain of the Vatican has started on the way by calling out the Pope's baptismal name three times to make sure he has popped his eternal clogs before smashing the fisherman's ring and papal seal to make sure no-one pretends to be John Paul II .Evidently, Fox News has secured the balcony with the prime view for the puff of white smoke that will announce that a new Pope has been elected.

These traditions should be upheld not because they are traditions but because they are vital to the security and transparency of the Papacy. These traditions have been crafted over the centuries and work without doing any harm. They must be upheld; what right does one generation have to strike the progress of so many preceeding Pontificates? I therefore demand, following millenia-old tradition, that on the new Pope's announcement, he sit on a commode and the Chamberlain of the Vatican grasp his testicles to make sure the new Pope is not a woman. Maybe Fox will pay for a prime view from beneath of what can only be called the Holy Handshake?

Who should be the new Pope? I offer a few candidates.

Michael Jackson
Satisfies the people who want a black Pope and the people who want a white Pope all at once!
Added bonus: already knows about kiddie fiddling.

The Dalai Lama
An authoritarian, feudal religious leader widely seen as being a man of peace and reconciliation - perfect!

Hulk Hogan
What the Catholic church needs is a Pope in spandex... he'll beat the unbelievers into shape and attract lots of Americans to the fold... too much growth among, er, the wrong sort of people...

Dr Who
It'd make it amusing when it came time for the doctor to regenerate... no, I am the Doctor. Sorry, Pope.



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